Why I hate the X factor (volume 1)

Apart from the fact I got woken up at 4.30am on Sunday morning by my neighbours putting it on rilly rilly loud… it’s. Fucking. Bullshit.

So, volume one: I’m not a cynic who believes that “the public” are shit at everything and they should stick to watching/listening to/eating/drinking/consuming the quality products that The Professionals in our society create. People are more than capable making their own music, cooking their own food, and making their own fun without recourse to a higher expert. We don’t need to rely on the outside world for everything. For music specifically, this is not just theory, this is reality: in the last 20 years, and at a rapidly accelerating pace, music has become a cottage industry.

X-factor takes the starting point that everyone has a talent that they can get pleasure from (in this case, singing), and implants the notion that a panel of tasteless parasites can admit a select few into the ranks of “the chosen” -  those in our society who can exploit their talents for monetary gain, attention, power and popularity. In other words, these are the people who create the product that the docile masses -  those without such talent -  must consume, for they know and can do no better. The only thing that stops this collapsing under the weight of its own contemptuous ego is the fact that some people are content to buy the bullshit that the X factor is selling.

Point one: X factor is irrelevant. That isn’t the way music works any more. If you want to make music: do it. Don’t go through some filtering process by a bunch of industry leeches, just. Make. Music. Get a computer, get a 4-track, get a guitar, get a turntable, or borrow one, get working.  Here are three chords. In fact, it’s not the way anything works or has ever worked. Stop waiting for someone’s permission and just fucking do it. If you want to seize the sound, you don’t need a reservation.

Point Two. I love singing. It’s one of the most joyous things in the world. Just try it. I love listening to good singers, or people who aren’t good singers who nevertheless have interesting things to say. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BEING TEH BESTEST SINGER. If you’ve reached a level of technical competence where you might conceivably be compared to another singer, you should probably start singing a bit more like yourself and a bit less like the person you’re “competing” against. Bob Dylan can hit exactly the same notes as Caruso. And if you’re not technically competent - well, either PRACTICE or find another way to make yourself worth listening to. Don’t go on an “emotional jouney” and expect anyone to give a fuck.

Tied into point one, singing is one of many wonderful, creative and communicative acts that enriches people’s lives. Now, while I am happy to accept that prepubescent girls and psychopaths need music too, there is no excuse for fully-functioning adults to find nothing better to fill their time with than watching needy attention-seekers sing karaoke. It is no more interesting and fulfilling than that, and less so than watching Your Mate Dave do it, who can do an amazing Barry White when he’s had a few.

People’s defence of the X-factor, and boy bands, and manufactured shit pop in general, tends to be either irony or the limp “it doesn’t hurt anyone”. Yes, yes it does. It’s elitist, consumerist, money-obsessed crap which by default goes against the joy of expression, creation, communication and the individuality of the human spirit. It literally makes baby Jesus cry. Unless it’s Motown.

That, as they say, is a different story.